Real Firefighters
by Ajroe
Summary: What happened immediately after everyone returned to the firehouse after Darden died. Slightly AU (Matt and Kelly get along)
1. Chapter 1

**Hello! Everyone's kind reviews inspired me to write another story. I think this might be a multichapter but I haven't decided. Make sure to review to let me know what you think!**

**If I owned Chicago Fire I probably wouldn't be writing fanfiction.**

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"Everyone please make your way to the conference room please." Chief Boden said somberly but firmly on the apparatus floor. " I've rerouted all calls." He added sensing everyone's next question.

It was deadly quiet on the apparatus floor. The only noise was the occasional sniffle or someone slowly headed towards the conference room. Kelly Severide saw his best friend more upset than he had ever seen her. He went over to where she was at the ambulance and gave her the biggest hug he could muster. Both typically stoic people sobbing like they never had let themselves before. Matthew Casey was in his own world it seemed to any outsiders. He couldn't shake the image of his best friend's last moments. He couldn't believe what had happened.

Eventually everyone had made it to the conference room. The chairs were arranged in a simple circle. Chief Boden finally broke the thousand pound silence.

"We will be getting a few counselors here next shift but for now I figured everyone would want to be in the presence of friends- family." He corrected himself quickly. "At the house mostly we will be talking as a group but there is absolutely no shame in talking to someone individually. I have a list of people I can refer you to and will give your lieutenants the same list. We are all always available for each other as well." Both Casey and Severide nodded. "The conversation about what went wrong is one for another day. This is purely about everyone's reaction. Does anyone want to start?"

After a few moments of silence Severide spoke up "I'm in shock, on the way over I was saying Andy can make squad the day I'm not in charge anymore. But now I would give anything to have him just walk through those doors." He started to cry as he gestured towards the doors. "I feel horrible."

"I'm sure Andy sure thinks it's hilarious from wherever he is." Casey offered as a small gesture of comfort. "He thought everything out of your mouth was hilarious. I know that probably doesn't help but…" He trailed off.

"Thanks for trying." Severide smiled a little.

"I guess I knew that something like this could happen, I just never thought I would be to someone I knew." Otis was quieter than anyone had ever heard him.

"It never happens to people I know when I think about it." Herman added.

"It hurts too bad to think that it will happen to people we know, but it does." Chief tried to help the conversation along.

"I'm petrified to go on the next call. What could happen then?" Casey admitted as he buried his head in his hands as he began to let himself cry. Dawson started to rub his back in a feeble attempt to comfort him.

"Don't they always say that lightning always strikes twice?" Otis asked.

"No?" Everyone responded with small laughs.

"Well, it feels like it does." Otis responded trying to put a quick end to the topic of conversation.

"I'm really scared that something will happen to one of you and we won't be able to save you." Dawson caught on to Otis' embarrassment and changed the topic. "I guess I've always had the fear but when it comes true it brings it to the forefront of my thoughts."

"It's my worst nightmare." Shay added on.

"I feel like we are all in a profession where we want to help people and when we can't we become absolutely miserable." Dawson responded.

"I think I can speak for everyone in this room in saying that we all trust both of you with our lives should it come down to it. I think we all trust everyone in this room with our lives." Everyone nodded in agreement with the chief. "We all know if there is a way to fix it you to will figure it out and help."

"Why should anyone trust me with their lives? I proved that no one should earlier. I could have very easily stopped Andy from going in that window." Casey started to say with increasing intensity.

"Relax Casey. You know just as well as we do that if Andy wanted to go through that window he would go through the window no matter what you said or did." The Chief said with a firm yet comforting voice. He then turned his attention to everyone. "It is natural to need to find a cause or a reason for what happened. In the long run the only cause was the fire. Please don't go around blaming yourselves or each other. I know first-hand how hard it is but I also know you guys can do it."

"I can't shake the feeling that Andy's going to just walk in and ask why everyone is so upset." Herman spoke up. "Then I keep remembering that he never will. It's like the pain is new every time."

"Yeah- I feel like we shouldn't be talking as a group in here, since we're missing someone." Shay agreed with a stray look in her eyes. Everyone nodded as she finished.

"The room feels empty even though it's full." Severide added with a few tears.

It was silent for a long time. Everyone seemed okay with the silence, okay to be lost in their own minds, their own thoughts.

"I don't think I'll ever be able to forget the feeling during the split second during the explosion when I knew there was no way Andy was alive. It was the worst feeling I've ever felt." Casey finally broke the silence.

"I can only imagine. I wasn't sure who was inside the house if anyone when the fire exploded." Shay added. "But the second I heard you call his name I knew he was inside and I and I was overtaken by sheer horror."

"For some reason I thought there was going to be something we could do. It was a dumb thought." Dawson started to cry.

"It was a hopeful thought." Chief corrected her. "I think this is enough for today everyone. Counselors will be here next shift, we might get a few calls, I'll talk to some of the counselors and see what they think and let everyone know as soon as I do. I just want to clarify that no one showed any weakness here today. You all showed strength, I have no idea why talking about your feelings is so stigmatized. Today you all were real firefighters and real first responders. I am proud of each and every one of you."


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks everyone for reviewing and following! Your reviews made my day! As I plan a little more this story is becoming slightly AU, because I would have like Matt and Kelly to get along.**

**This chapter is in Matt's POV**

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I was so scared to go back to work. Chief had called to check on me and tell me we weren't going to take any calls for the next shift but that was only because all of the counselors wanted to talk to us. I had no desire to talk to any counselor, I don't know them and they don't know me. I just want to be around the guys, but apparently that's too much to ask.

When I finally got to the firehouse I parked where I normally did and got out of my car. All of the sudden I couldn't bear the fact that Andy wouldn't be there, it was too much. I could feel my legs buckle under the immense amount of pressure I was feeling. I let myself slowly slid down the cold support beam as I began to break down. I couldn't get the last image of him reaching out to me out of my head. I felt like it should have been me going through the window. I should be the one dead right now.

I had no idea how long I had been out there when I heard the Chief approaching. He knelt down next to me and wrapped his arm around my back letting me use him for support instead of the frigid beam. I buried my head into his chest not caring how it looked to anyone who passed. I didn't understand how he seemed so calm in the situation. We were like that for a while, Chief started saying a few words that sounded comforting but I couldn't quite make them out over my sobs.

"Let's get you inside Matt." I could finally understand what he was saying. He gently started to help me up; my legs didn't seem to want to work, so I accepted the help happily. He led me into his office letting me walk as slow as I needed to. For once I was happy no one was at the house, I was supposed to strong for the team. "I'm going to go get you some hot chocolate, its cold out there." He left for the kitchen.

"How're you doing?" He came back in with two hot chocolates and closed the door with his back. He handed me a hot chocolate and sat down in the chair nearest me.

I just shrugged in response. "Didn't my little display kind of answer that question?"

"Showing your emotions is nothing to be ashamed of. I'm sure counselor you see or any guy that walks through that door will tell you that." He wasn't talking in his normal pep talk, it was a tone I had never heard from the chief before.

"No one outside of this room will hear about any of this conversation right?" I didn't want word of my breakdown getting out.

"Of course not."

"I can't get it out of my head. Right before… before…" I couldn't stop more tears from flowing. Chief set a comforting hand on my shoulder silently encouraging me to go on. "Before the explosion… he reached out for me."

"Have you been having nightmares?"

"I haven't been able to sleep at all. Partially because I'm so scared I'll have another one." My nightmares had been absolutely horrific.

"What have they been about?" Chief prodded further, seeming to be testing how much I would tell him.

"It's nearly the same situation with a different one of my men every time." I didn't want to talk about my nightmares so I tried to change the subject slightly. "My men might as well be my life, if I lose them I lose myself."

"That makes a lot of sense. I feel the same way about each and every person in this house."

"I'm really scared. I'm scared that I'll never get over this. I'm scared it's going to happen again."

"I lost my best friend years ago and to this very day I'm not fully over it. But I promise you it does get better. You are a strong man, you can do this. You have a house of men out there." Chief gestured out to the house which was becoming noisier. "Those men will help you; just because you are the Lieutenant doesn't mean you have to seem unaffected by this. When something like this happens ranks don't matter as much, if at all. The only thing you are expected to do is show you are available to talk to anyone who needs it. That's it."

"How am I supposed to help my men if I'm not handling the situation myself?" I didn't know what to think. Normally I am the strong one; it was hard for me to accept that it might not be the case anymore. "Does my reaction make me weak?" I asked even though I knew exactly what the answer would be; I just needed to hear it.

"No. If anything you are stronger for showing your emotions." Chief's voice suddenly had a stronger edge to it, but he backed off when I jumped. "You show your men it is ok to mourn, you mourn with them. Show them it is ok to be visibly upset. Just don't tackle a situation that you can't handle on your own. It is ok to send people to me or one of the counselors. Ok?"

"Yeah." I responded. We both let the silence settle for a while, both deep in thought still sipping our hot chocolates.

"What are you thinking?" he broke the silence with a slightly concerned look.

I shrugged. "About how little I want to talk to the counselor. Do I have to?"

He chucked a little at my question. "I was guessing I'd hear that eventually. I can't make you do anything. But I would highly suggest it."

"Did you talk to a counselor when your friend died?" I was honestly curious.

"Well," He laughed a little "I was somewhat forced to go to a session with one but I didn't say much. Then because of that I had to go to multiple appointments." I smiled at his annoyed expression. It was nice to know that even the Chief was human. "I'll tell you what. You have to go to one session, and talk. If you don't like it you never have to go again."

"Can I go with Kelly?" I countered not very happy with what Chief had to say.

"Fine, but he has to agree and you both have to talk. Ok?"

"Yes sir." I did a mini salute. "Thanks for listening." I stood up, effectively ending the conversation. ,

"Anytime, and I mean that. You can call me whenever you need to." He stood up as well.

"Will do Chief."

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**Thanks for reading! I hope to hear what you think in the reviews!**


	3. Chapter 3

Hello again! Thank you everyone for your reviews and favorites!

This chapter is in Severide's POV.

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When Chief brought up the idea of Matt and I doing the counseling session together I was secretly thrilled. I really didn't want to go in alone. I had no desire to talk to anyone I didn't know about my feelings, I barely wanted to talk to anyone I did know. I didn't even want to talk to Shay last night, which was weird for me. It didn't feel right.

Chief wanted to talk to both of us before the session so I headed over to his office.

"Kelly." Chief nodded as I sat down. Matt was already seated. "So, the counselor is getting here in about 5 minutes. He is a retired firefighter so I just wanted you to know that he's been there. Do you guys have any questions before he gets here?"

Matt and I both turned towards each other. "What will he want us to talk about?" I asked knowing it was probably a stupid question but I was curious.

"I can't say for sure but he'll probably want to hear about your friendships with each other and Andy. If you have any questions you can ask." As the chief finished someone knocked on the door, he got up to answer it. There was an older man that I had never seen before. Well at least the counselor looked nice.

"Hello everyone." He greeted us in a kind voice. He directed his question towards the Chief "I take it these are your Lieutenants I've heard so much about."

"Chicago's finest. This is Kelly Severide and this is Matthew Casey." Chief responded gesturing to Matt and I respectively. "I'll leave you three alone if that is ok with you two?" He looked at us slightly concerned, but we both nodded. "Don't let these two push you around." Chief joked a little.

"Trust me I won't." The counselor responded as the chief left. "Hello, my name is John Howard, but please call me John. I'm sorry you lost your friend and I'm here to help in any way possible." Well at least this guy seemed relatively sane. "My goal is to give you the tools to help you help yourselves and help each other. So do you guys want to talk about your friendship?" Chief hit the nail on the head with that one.

Casey spoke first "We've always been pretty close. When you work in the situations we do, you become very close very fast."

"I agree. The two of us and Andy were always the three musketeers." I felt like I should chime in at least a little.

John smiled at my response "Ever any tensions between you two?"

I made sure to answer first this time. "Nothing past a little disagreement over the course of action while we were on call." Casey nodded in agreement. "Things can be kinda heated for a little while after but it always gets back to normal within like an hour." I continued.

"Well in my experience that's normal." John laughed in a failed attempt to lighten the mood. "How have you guys been doing since your friend's death?" he asked realizing he didn't lighten the mood.

"I've been having nightmares." Matt spat out as quickly as anyone could manage. He seemed embarrassed. "It's always one of my men in the exact same situation Andy was in." he started crying a little. I put a hand on his shoulder trying to be comforting.

"That must really suck." I didn't know what else to say.

"It must." John agreed. "Do you remember details about them?" Matt just nodded in response. "Have you talked to anyone about them?"

"I've talked to the chief."

"Well that's good. If you feel comfortable I would just keep talking about them with chief, or anyone else you feel comfortable with for that matter. Does that sound good?"

"Yeah." Matt wouldn't make eye contact with anyone.

"There is no need to feel embarrassed, I get it." I tried to help. "I'm sure I would be having nightmares if I saw what you saw. You can talk to me about them if you want to. "

"Kelly is exactly right Matt. I understand why you feel that way but nightmares are normal after what you saw." John added.

"I guess I'm just used to being the strong one, this is weird for me." Matt tried to make eye contact but it didn't seem like he could.

"This whole situation is weird. I'm sure everyone in the kitchen is feeling something that is weird for them. For you it is weird feeling emotionally weak. What are you feeling that is weird Kelly?" John changed to subject to me sensing Matt's discomfort.

"I feel empty without Andy here." I admitted. "I'm not sure I feel satisfied with where I am in my life anymore. I've been thinking about if I were to die on the next call whether or not I would be happy. I hope Andy was." I couldn't help but start to cry a little bit. Now it was Matt who set his hand on my shoulder to comfort me.

"Me too." He solemnly added.

"Now I only know about you the little about each of you that Boden told me, but it seems you two love what you do. It is normal to be questioning after something like this but when you do just remind yourselves about your favorite part of your job. What is it?"

"Helping people." I responded first.

"Having two families." Matt smiled a little as he looked up for the first time.

John smiled at our responses. "Well that's great. Do you guys have anything else you want to talk about, or any questions for me?"

"I was just wondering how I should talk to my men." Matt was able to make eye contact with both John and I now.

"That's a good question. I would just be there for them and listen to whatever they have to say. Make sure to validate whatever they are feeling, acknowledge what happened and how horrible it was." John made sure to look at both of us while answering.

"Is there anything we can do to make sure they know we are willing to talk with them?" I asked.

"Tell them. There isn't really much more than that you can do."

"Well guys, my time is up, if either one of you want to talk to me again I'll probably be around the house." John stood up as did Matt and I. We both shook hands with him then he left.

"Well that wasn't nearly as painful as I was expecting." I looked at Matt.

"Nope." He smiled back as we headed towards the kitchen.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello again! I hope everyone was able to see the last chapter, I was having problems uploading it. Hope you enjoy!**

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"Turn around Casey." Chief stopped me just as I stepped out of his office. I groaned because I was done talking about my feelings. Chief gave me a look "This is important I don't want to hear it." I decided against arguing and turned around. Chief came in behind me and closer the door. He sat down so I followed suit. "We are getting a replacement for Andy shift after next."

My jaw dropped. I knew this was coming but I didn't realize it would be this soon. "Really? This soon? There is no way my guys are going to be able to handle this and you know that." I became mad. We had been through enough this week.

"I do know that but there is nothing I can do about it. I had to beg to have the replacement come shift after next. I wanted everyone used to be taking calls before we threw someone new in the mix." I could hear the sorrow in Chief's voice.

"How do you suggest I tell the guys that we are adding someone new in?"

"I'll do it with you. We will get all of your men into the conference room and let the blow off whatever steam they have and ask any questions they have. Does that sound good?"

"Not really." I wasn't happy about this at all.

Chief gave me his infamous death glare. "Let's go."

Everyone was in the kitchen so it wasn't difficult to get everyone into the conference room, although they did look like deer in headlights.

"Ok. Your Lieutenant and I just wanted to let you know that the replacement for Andy will be here shift after next." Chief got it all out in one breath.

"You can't be serious. Are you trying to pretend Andy was never here?" Herrmann was instantly livid.

"We don't like this anymore than you do. Chief had to argue so the replacement wouldn't be here next shift." I felt the need to say something.

"This sucks. I want to be around the people I know at work but apparently that is too much to ask." Vargas just looked disgusted.

"I feel the same way you do. But I expect each one of you to be kind and welcoming. Understood?" I needed to make myself clear, but no one responded to me.

"How the heck are we supposed to manage that when whoever this replacement is will be replacing a valued member of this team?" Otis wasn't buying the pep talk attempt.

"I don't know." Chief chimed in again. "I do know that next shift when you begin to take calls again it will just be you. You all need to join together and keep yourselves around your family. I know that each and every one of you is strong enough to handle this." He finished.

"I don't know if I can." Cruz admitted. "I know Andy and I weren't all that close but I don't know how to be handling all of this."

"If I had to guess no one in this room knows how to be handling this, including myself and Casey." I nodded in agreement with the chief.

"Why do they want to throw another guy into this chaos?" Hermann could seem to wrap his head around what was going on.

"I have no idea. I don't get it either." I tried to answer his questions honestly.

Chief put his hand on my shoulder to get my attention "I'm going to leave so you guys can talk about whatever you need to." Quickly he got up and left. Now it was my turn to feel like a deer in headlights, I have never felt so scared to talk to my guys.

I moved into one of the rolling chairs that the rest of the guys were seated in. "So, I don't know how to start this conversation so does anyone want to say anything?" I figured honesty was best.

"This isn't fair at all, none of this is fair." Vargas spoke first.

"I hate how I'm not really there for anyone wherever I am; my kids are really confused because even when I'm home I'm not really there." Hermann added.

"I don't feel like myself, normally I'd be thrilled at the chance for someone new and not be the candidate. But, I'm not." Otis just seemed confused by the situation.

"Well, I don't have any answers, I wish I did but I'm searching for them myself." I admitted.

"What was it like?" Mouch spat out "I mean seeing him die? If you want to share." He trailed off.

"It's ok. I need to be able to talk about it at some point." I didn't want him to feel bad for asking. "I remember when he broke the glass I was really surprised that it didn't explode on us right then but I still wasn't sure but Andy went in anyway. Then I heard Severide on the radio saying there was no vent. But Andy didn't hear me and next thing I know the fire exploded. The last thing I saw before I ducked was him reaching out to me." After I finished I realized I had started crying, everyone else did as well.

"How do you appear to have it together so well?" Cruz asked frustrated.

"Trust me I don't have it together. I'm just a good actor."

"Wow." Hermann couldn't say much more it seemed.

After a few minutes of silence I jumped at the chance to change the topic as soon as I was sure everyone was done talking about it. "So what are everyone's thoughts on going on calls next shift? I know I'm petrified."

"I'm pretty scared. It makes it so much more real that we might lose a guy when we actually do." Vargas spoke up.

"I never thought something like this would happen to this house until it did." Otis spoke somberly.

"I'm hoping we actually don't have to take calls next shift and Chief is just trying to get everyone emotionally prepared." Cruz deadpanned when everyone else laughed. "Even though I know that isn't the case.

"I think I can speak for everyone when I say we are all hoping that. But, we eventually have to take calls." I tried to be the voice of reason in the conversation.

"But Dad…" Mouch complained in his best 5 year old voice, effectively ending the conversation. No one could stop laughing

"Sorry guys." I laughed along with them but quickly changed the conversation's tone. "But seriously, if anyone wants to talk more just come to my office or give me a call."


	5. Chapter 5

**I'm back! It took me a little while to update because this chapter is a bit longer than the others and I wanted to do it justice. :) Hope to hear what you thought in the review section. **

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For the first time in his life Matthew Casey did not want to go to work. He did not want to go take calls. He was more nervous than he had ever been in his life, he didn't want to lose another guy. Even though Chief and all of the guys had tried to convince him that it wasn't his fault, he couldn't believe it.

Despite his fears Matt went into work appearing ready to go. The second he walked in he could sense the tension that filled the room and it put him on edge. The room was dead silent, besides the TV of course. It was the first time no one in the room wanted to go on call, they would have all rather stayed at the house.

"How's everyone?" Matt asked although he knew what types of answers he would probably get.

"Just fantastic." Shay responded without missing a beat. The house could always count on her for a sarcastic comment that lightened the mood, even though the comment couldn't have been farther from true.

"Glad to hear it." Casey played along smiling. "Where's chief?" he was surprised not to see him out with everyone.

"Phone call I think, he's in his office." Hermann didn't look up from the TV. "Why? Everything ok?"

"Yeah, I was just surprised not to see him out here." Casey responded. Everyone was silent for a few minutes until Chief suddenly walked in and noticed everyone.

"Dawson." He sounded very stern and solemn.

"Yeah Chief?" Dawson asked hesitantly, scared she was in trouble.

"Make Bacon. Bacon makes everything better." The whole house sighed in relief, no one wanted the day tenser than it already would be. The mood perked up because everyone knew they would be getting bacon.

"Will do." She got all of the necessary materials and started frying the bacon. Instantly the aroma filled the room.

"When's it going to be done?" Everyone had instantly gone to the kitchen area but Otis was the first to speak after a few minutes.

"Right about now." Dawson said as she handed the piece of bacon to the eager firefighter.

"_House Fire at 1867 Main Street, Engine 51, Truck 81, Squad 3, Ambulance 61." _Otis' bacon instantly hit the floor. Everyone was petrified; memories of the last fire instantly flooded everyone's mind. But they all knew what they had to do.

"Everything will be fine, everyone listen to your lieutenants or you will have many unhappy people on your hands." Chief tried to focus everyone as they were putting their gear on.

"Let's do this." Casey told his men once he was in his truck. He was trying so hard to stay focused at the task at hand, but he couldn't. He saw Cruz shoot him a concerned look so he nodded back making eye contact.

Kelly Severide was in his own world. He couldn't help but remember the jokes on the last ride to a call. He knew he had to at least appear to have everything together until this was done, but he knew it would be hard. It was a quick drive over to the call so he didn't have much time to dwell on everything. "Let's do this." He told his men as they retrieved their hats and left the truck.

The two lieutenants met up with the chief who was talking to a civilian. The chief took it upon himself to inform the men on what was going on. "Four children inside, two girls 5 years old, and two boys 8, and 9 years old." The terror instantly seeped on to the men's faces faster than the chief had ever seen it. But the men knew what they had to do and turned around gave orders to their men.

"Hermann, Cruz, get a vent now." Casey started. "Once that's done everyone with me, there are four children in there that will be saved." His men had never seen Casey so determined, they liked it. Casey then decided to let Dawson and Shay know what was coming. "Hey, Shay." He got the blonde paramedic's attention. "Just to let you know there are four kids in there 5, 8, and 9, I don't want you and Dawson that surprised."

This news had Shay taken aback. It didn't take much to make her stop on a normal call, but today wasn't a normal call. She tried to appear as normal as she could. "Thanks, I'll let Dawson know." Casey then left her hastily in preparation to enter the burning building.

Severide had most of his men waiting to go in the house once it was vented, it was all hands on deck to get these kids, but he didn't want anyone in there the second before the home was vented. His radio interrupted his thoughts, it was Hermann's voice. "_We have a vent; I repeat we have a vent_." Two teams of determined firefighters quickly stormed the building on the news.

Chief Boden had never been prouder of his men, especially his lieutenants. Everyone seemed more focused and determined than they ever had been before. He could only imagine what everyone must be thinking and feeling at the moment, but they were doing a good job not showing it. Both teams had just stormed the building. He could only hope everyone would come out ok and listen to their lieutenants.

Matt Casey was riding a pure adrenaline rush. He wasn't worried about anything outside of getting those kids out. He made the signals for his team to fan out in pairs. He kept Herman with him. He radioed Severide "I've got my guys fanned out on the basement and first floor."

"_My guys got second." _Severide responded almost instantly.

Kelly was trying to be as strategic and calm as he could manage as he gave his guys directions for fanning out, it was hard. He reached his first room and called out as loud as he could with Capp following suit. They did so to no response. They both instantly started searching the room, with high hopes but feelings of dread.

Casey was in the midst of searching his second room when he noticed the smoke levels were becoming higher very quickly. "Masks on." He coughed on his radio as he put his own on. He then peered into the closet to find the sight of two petrified little girls. "Hermann, I found them I need your mask." He directed to his colleague, and then switched his attention to the two girls, after he got his mask off he started to talk. "My name is Matt and I'm with the fire department, this is my friend Chris. We are here to help you. We are going to put this mask on you so it is easier to breathe, ok?" The two looked at each other then nodded. "Ok, let's get you two out of here. He then switched his focus to his radio as he picked up one of the girls. "We have the two girls; both seem to be ok, heading out right now." Everyone on the scene breathed a quick sigh of relief.

When Shay and Dawson saw Casey and Herman exiting the building they rushed to the two. Casey and Herman happily allowed the paramedics to take the girls.

As they were going back to the ambulance Dawson and Shay quickly introduced themselves to the girls and said what they were going to do. Both were relatively ok, they just needed some oxygen for smoke inhalation.

Just as they left the girls Hermann and Casey were ready to go back into the building, but the chief caught them before they could. "We have enough men in there right now, you two are fine, good job."

Casey decided since he didn't want to fight with chief he should at least radio in to see how everyone was doing. "Two girls out and safe, how's everyone?" He got a quick chorus of fines and goods, much to his relief.

The finding of the two girls had given Severide a renewed energy. He was now confident that they were going to find the two boys. He did a routine check under the bed and to his surprise there were two boys under there. Incredibly seeming alright, the smoke hadn't gotten to where they were yet. "I'm with the fire department, I'm here to help." The boys instantly trusted him and got out from under the bed. It didn't take long at all to get them downstairs and out of the house, to a very happy mother who embraced them quickly. "Please make sure they get to the ambulance, they are fine but they just need to be checked." He told the mother who nodded with tears in her eyes.

Casey was relieved beyond belief when he saw Severide and Capp come out with the two boys, and then when he saw every other member of Firehouse 51 come out safely he was finally able to calm down. Kelly started to walk over to him and threw him a much needed water bottle.

"How are you?" Casey asked hesitantly.

"Shaken." Kelly realized it was ok to be a little bit emotional now that the ordeal was over. "You?"

"Same." Both men shared a somber yet triumphant smile.

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**Hope everyone liked it! My plan is to do two more chapters one will be the recovery from this call and the next will be "the new guy" coming in, unless you believe otherwise of course. Review and let me know please!**


	6. Chapter 6

Hello! I'm so sorry this took so long- real life combined with writer's block does not help writing speed at all. Hope you like it and/or review!

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The second we came back from the call I retreated to my office. I felt hesitant on call, and that wasn't me. It scared me. The whole time Andy was running through the back of my head and I couldn't stay focused for very long. I was proud of myself that I did it, I wouldn't have been able to a few days ago, but it frustrated me how hard the call was.

I just sat with my head in my hands for a few minutes until I heard footsteps then a small knock on my door, I looked up to see the chief.

"How're you doing Matt?" I could see the compassion in his eyes and hear it in his voice. He walked in and closed to door before I responded.

"I've been better." I admitted as I turned around to face Chief as he sat down.

"Understandable. Do you want to talk about it?"

"Is that actually a choice or will you make me?" I deflected his question.

"I think you should talk about it, that was supposed to be more of a where do you want to start." Chief grinned a little.

"I guess I hated feeling when I gave everyone the orders to split up. I couldn't help but feel that I was never going to see them again. I know it's dumb but I couldn't help it." I hated feeling so out there in front of chief.

"It's not dumb- it's understandable." Chief was always so quick to correct me when I said things like that. "Honestly the same thing was going through my head; I had myself convinced that there was no way all of you were coming out for a second. Then I remembered all of the calls that everyone came out. Just do that for the next call."

"I'll try." I muttered.

"You have a long hard journey ahead of you Casey but I have no doubt you can do whatever you set your mind to." With that the chief left me to my thoughts.

I didn't want to my mind to be left to its own thoughts. I couldn't stop my head from racing, and I hated it. I felt like I had no control over my brain, I didn't want to be thinking about Andy yet I couldn't stop.

"Knock knock." Kelly drew my attention away. "How are you doing?" he sat down on the edge of my bed.

"I can't get my brain to shut up." I was exhausted from holding everything in and I felt like Kelly wouldn't judge if I let it out. "No matter what I'm doing or where I am Andy is always on my mind."

"I feel the same way, chief tried to get me to talk but I felt like… I don't know, it just wasn't comfortable. I guess he isn't going through it the same way we are."

"You just put what I've been feeling about that in to words better than I ever could." I was honestly grateful, for once in my life, that Kelly could do something I couldn't. "I just hated feeling so vulnerable in there, I had myself convinced that I wasn't going to see my men again, and I hated myself for it." I couldn't help but become angry, I hated feeling weak.

"I felt the same way." Kelly moved closer to me so he could put an arm around me in comfort. "I understand."

"At least we have each other." I nodded, trying to focus on the positive "If Chief's right this will get better."

"I'm sure he is." Kelly removed his arm so we were just sitting next to each other. "You ready for the candidate tomorrow?"

"I think so. The better question would be whether or not my men are. I'm worried they'll be complete jerks."

"Well if they are chief and I can deal with them and you can talk with the candidate." Kelly cracked a smile, I couldn't help but follow suit.

"Sounds good."

"Well I'm going to go check in with everyone. See you around." I got up and Kelly quickly followed.

I took advantage of getting out of my office when I felt like it because those times had been rare lately. When I walked in to the kitchen everyone seemed content. I took an open seat between Hermann and Shay.

"What's up?" I asked no one in particular and Hermann answered.

"Enjoying life like always." Everyone smiled at Hermann's usual sarcastic comment.

"Glad to hear it." I smiled then felt my stomach rumble. "Dawson when are you making dinner?" I leaned on the table so I could see her.

"Now is fine if everyone's good with it." She looked around to see everyone nodding. "Well glad to hear your appetites are still intact, I'll go whip something up." She rose from her chair with a smile.


	7. Chapter 7

I'm back! I hope everyone likes this chapter. It wasn't in my original plan but I wanted to show how the other guys were handling things as well as a little bit of Casey. Reviews are loved!

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Why was it that a microwave minute was always longer than a regular minute? All I wanted was my pizza and it seemed like it couldn't take any longer. I wanted to be able to enjoy my day off on the couch in front of the TV with a piece of pizza.

When the microwave finally went off I went directly to the couch and turned on the game. The second I sat down it seemed the doorbell went off. I was surprised to see Vargas standing there. That is until I remembered that I had told anyone if they needed to talk they were always welcome.

"Sorry to bother you on your day off Lieutenant." He looked more nervous than I had ever seen him before.

"You're fine, come in." I gestured into the house. He entered hesitantly. "Sit down." He made a slow move to sit down, so I sat first and that prompted him to follow. "So what's up?"

"I can't stop thinking about it." He seemed so relieved at confessing even a little bit. "I haven't slept because of the nightmares, I can't focus." He started crying.

"What were the nightmares about?" I decided to start with the most concrete thing he said.

"Everyone dies. Over and over and over. There is always some sort of huge fire and I'm always the only one that comes out alive."

"I've been having nightmares too." He looked shocked at my admission. "Slightly different but pretty bad. I was talking to Chief and he was able to help a little. It is definitely challenging to focus past the calls that someone died. But remember how many calls that everyone came back? That's what chief told me to focus on."

"That just seems impossible." His frustration was becoming more apparent.

"It is." I figured I needed to be honest. "But training your brain to do anything seems impossible, in my experience at least."

"Same." He finally cracked a little smile. "On that call, I was miserable the entire time. It seemed like a situation exactly out of my dream."

"That must have sucked. But you made it through, we all did. I hate the fact that it's the only thing getting me through this but it is."

"What if it happens again?" he spoke so quietly I could hardly understand him. "I mean someone dies on call…" he trailed off.

"Then we deal with it again- as a team." I tried to make eye contact but he was looking at the floor. "But the chances of that are a million to one; or something similar to that. Do you understand that?"

"I do, but I just can't get myself to believe it. Does that make sense?" I nodded in response sensing he wasn't finished "It sucks because I feel like I haven't been there for my family anymore, and I can't talk about what's wrong."

"Why can't you?"

"They'll see me as weak, and then treat me differently. Life at the house is already different enough."

"Why do you think they'll see you as weak?"

"I'm supposed to be the tough firefighter of the house. Emotion is considered bad it seems, also my dad fought in a few wars so death isn't exactly new to him."

"Is there anyone at home you can talk to?" I figured his dad was out of the question "Like your mom?" I offered a suggestion

"They tell each other everything. I have no other biological family around here."

"If you're comfortable talking to me it's ok to come over or call or talk to me at work." My heart broke for him at his confession; at least I could talk to Chief and Severide.

"If that's ok?" He seemed still like he was unable to fully trust me.

"If it wasn't ok I wouldn't have offered." I smiled a little. "What else do you want to talk about?"

"It just really sucks at home because I've had panic attacks and I have to pretend like nothing is wrong." He still wouldn't make eye contact with me and I completely understood why "It's exhausting."

"I'll bet. What are you nervous about specifically?" I tried to be helpful as opposed to just dwelling on what was wrong.

"I don't know why but I just get nervous that this is going to happen again, over and over." He made brief eye contact with me.

"Well I know this is easier coming from someone outside of you, but it isn't possible for this to happen again when you are at home; and if you're at the house everyone would be happy to help you with whatever you would need."

"Like who?" I sensed a bit of hope in his voice.

"Well I'm sure everyone would but I'm sure that I would help, Severide would, and definitely Chief would, if you wanted I could call them and put it on speaker phone and we could ask them about it."

"That sounds good." He nodded in agreement.

"Any preferences on who to call first?" I figured I should give him the option.

"Severide please."

"Do you want me to do most of the talking?" I assumed he would but I wanted to make sure.

"At first at least." He confirmed my guess.

"Ok I'll call him up." I found Kelly in my contacts and called him.

He answered on the second ring _"Hey Matt. What's up?" _

"I'm here with Vargas and we were wondering if you had a minute." I looked at Vargas who nodded in approval to my start.

_"Always. What's going on?" _The concern seeped into Kelly's voice even over the phone.

"Well Vargas has been really struggling after everything." I looked at Vargas again to see his approval "He is been having a lot of Panic Attacks and we were wondering if you would be willing to maybe help him out if he has one at the house."

_"Of course I would. What would you want or need from me?"_ Kelly asked a logical question but understandably it seemed to have really freaked out Vargas.

"Well I guess it would be nice if I could just get out of the situation and talk to someone. If you'd be willing." Vargas spoke incredibly quietly and quickly.

_"Of course I'd be willing, just let me know when you need me." _Kelly paused for a second. _"Hey, sorry I have to go. Talk to you guys later!" _Kelly hung up quickly.

"Still want to call the Chief?" I looked at Vargas

"Not really. I actually need to be headed home. Thanks for everything." He stood up.

"Anytime." I smiled back at him.


	8. Chapter 8

I was surprised to see almost everyone had already arrived to the house when I got there. I was kind of unsettling, my men were never early for anything. "Hey guys. Everything ok?"

Mouch spoke up for everyone; "Just wanted to have a few moments with just the old team." I was happy to see my guys pulling together.

"If anyone needs someone to talk to at any time today; Chief, Severide, and I are available." I figured I should let everyone know before the candidate gets here.

I walked back to the locker room and changed into my work clothes. Then I went back to my office to try to start some of my mountain of paperwork, it was going well until Capp interrupted my zone "Chief wants you in his office, I think the candidate is here, good luck." He smiled as I stood up and prepared to meet the man replacing Andy.

When I turned into the administrative area I saw the door open and chief sitting down opposite someone I couldn't see. I walked into the office and closed the door. They both stood at my entrance.

"Lieutenant Casey meet your new candidate, Peter Mills." Chief seemed more formal for the new candidate.

"Nice to meet you Lieutenant." He shook my hand giving me a chance to look him over. He had a firm handshake and looked strong and capable.

Chief sat down so Peter and I followed. "So Peter I'm ok with you jumping right into things, if you and your Lieutenant are comfortable of course." Chief started with the logistics.

"Are you a good listener Mills?" I asked.

"Yes sir. If you want me on calls I would love to."

"Good with me. You can drop the Sir- just call me Casey." I nodded

"Sounds good. Mills, do you know what you're getting into regarding the situation here?"

"No Sir. I just know there was an opening."

"Ok. A few shifts ago we had a man die, on the job." Mills' jaw dropped "Everyone is taking it hard, as can be expected. The men have mixed feelings about you coming in, because like it or not you are replacing one of their best friends."

"I honestly have no idea how they'll react. No matter what they say or do I can promise you they are genuinely nice people. If they say anything that crosses the line please let one of us know. Their mourning is no excuse for anything." I chimed in.

"Ok. Do you think they'll say anything?" Mills now seemed apprehensive about his new job.

"I doubt it- they might just seem aloof." I answered his question as honestly as I could. "Are you ready to go meet everyone?" I started making a move to stand up.

"Sounds good." Peter stood up. "It was nice to meet you Chief Boden." He gave Boden a little nod then gestured for me to lead the way.

I stepped out of the office then waited for Mills so we could talk a little bit on the way to the kitchen. I could sense his nervousness. "Nothing to be nervous about- I promise. Chief doesn't know my guys as well as I do." We walked in silence for a few minutes until we reached the kitchen, and the moment of truth. "Everyone this is Peter Mills he is the new candidate- I expect everyone to be welcoming." Peter waved as I introduced him to the men and everyone just stared at the two of us until Cruz spoke up:

"Take a seat Mills." He said gesturing to the seat between him and Hermann. Mills smiled at me then sat down. He seemed to be doing ok so I walked over to Gabby in the kitchen, she started a conversation

"How's the new candidate looking?" She smiled.

"He seemed pretty scared about the situation here but other than that pretty good." I dropped my voice above a whisper but so no one else could hear.

"It sucks because he seems like such a nice guy but he's replacing Andy and I just can't get over that." She admitted suddenly.

"I feel the same way, I feel like no one should have to come in to this. I'm just trying to look at it as two different people in two different positions. If that helps."

"I'll try that. But, you know me I'm stubborn- probably won't work." Gabby smiled.

"I have to go through a mountain of paperwork but can you do me a favor and if anyone seems to be having a hard time let me know."

"Course, have fun with your paperwork." She smiled again, I loved her smile. I looked to make sure things seemed to be ok and they did. Mills seemed to be calming down and he was talking with a few of the guys.


	9. Chapter 9

**This is in Vargas' POV. Hope you enjoy and review.**

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The second the new candidate came in I felt my breath hitch, a feeling that had become very familiar to me. I instantly knew I had to get out of there. But I didn't know where to go. I decided on going to the quarters. Once I arrived it suddenly came back to me that Casey was here. But I heard him talking to Dawson about paperwork so I didn't want to bother him. Suddenly I heard strong footsteps approaching, unconsciously I tensed up.

"You ok Vargas?" When I realized it was Severide I allowed myself to relax a little.

"Well…yes…kinda…maybe…no." The words stumbled out of my mouth before I could catch them.

"Are you having a panic attack?" Severide approached me visibly concerned. I just nodded in response, feeling unable to catch my breath. "Let's go to my office and we can talk- ok?" I nodded again. With a hand on my back he slowly and gently guided me to his office and I sat down quickly, the lack of air was making me dizzy. "You look like you're having trouble breathing are you?" Severide sat down keeping all of his attention on me. I nodded in response to his question. "Just try to breathe with me ok?" Kelly began to take several long deep breaths and I tried to follow. It seemed impossible at first but eventually I was able to follow his breathing and I felt myself calm down a little. "You feeling better?" he stopped his breathing to ask.

"I can breathe now- so that's better." When I spoke I sounded out of breath but that would go away.

"Wanna talk about it?" Severide looked at me hesitantly seemingly unsure of what to do.

"I guess the need of the candidate being here brought up memories." I admitted to him

"That makes a lot of sense. It brought up stuff you wanted to keep down." He nodded in understanding.

"Exactly."

"What memories did it bring up?" Severide prodded further, "You don't have to answer but you'll probably feel better if you talk about it a little more."

"Memories of the call. I don't think I'll ever forget hearing Casey yell Darden as loud as he could. Memories of everyone just crying, the realization that we lost someone." I could feel the tears start to come over a little bit as I started to cry. Severide rolled his chair closer to me and put a comforting arm around me and offered a box of tissues.

"It's ok to cry." He said simply. "I would be balling my eyes out." He smiled.

"I hate this so much."

"What do you hate?" Severide seemed confused

"I hate being unable to control my own body, when I get nervous I can't think straight or breathe and my heart starts racing and it sucks."

"Sounds like it. Are you feeling better now?" He asked looking hopeful.

"Now I'm just exhausted- panic attacks are tiring." I smiled a little bit.

"I can only imagine." He gave me a sympathetic smile "I think it might be a good idea to bring chief in on this."

"Why?" I didn't like that idea at all but I was willing to hear Severide out.

"He's been through stuff like this before and will understand. He'll probably have a few helpful suggestions. Also if something were to happen on call it would probably help you because you wouldn't have to explain things to him. He's also very easy to talk to." Severide finished and looked at me trying to gage my reaction it seemed.

"Ok." I figured nothing bad could happen.

"Let's go find him then." Kelly stood up and I hesitantly followed. I wasn't sure how dizzy I would be upon standing, it turned out to not be that bad. "You steady on your feet?" he noticed my hesitation.

"Yeah- I just wasn't sure if I was going to be or not." He nodded in approval and we both started walking towards chief's office. I was happy to see that chief was there when we turned into the administration area; I didn't want to have to go searching for him.

Severide took the lead and lightly knocked on Chief's open door. "You got a minute?" The chief gestured us in.

"What can I do for you?" he switched his attention to us as we sat down.

"Well Vargas and I were just talking and he's been really struggling after Andy's death. He's been having panic attacks." It wasn't until Severide finished that I realized I had been holding my breath. "We both thought it was best to bring you in on it."

"Ok. How bad have the panic attacks been Vargas?" I felt my breath hitch when the questioning turned to me even though I knew it would. Chief must have seen my breathing was going downhill "It's ok, you won't be judged here. No one has to know if you don't want them to."

"Well I'm not sure how bad they are relatively but they suck badly when I have them."

"Ok. So how do you want to handle these?" Chief seemed genuinely interested in my answer which felt good.

"Well it helps just to be somewhere quiet with someone and talk about it. But I'm not sure what to do on calls."

"Well I for sure don't want you in a burning building if you can't think straight. What do you think Kelly?" Chief's voice suddenly became sterner.

"I agree."

"I want to try though." I interjected before my fate was decided for me.

"Ok. You are allowed to go on whatever calls you feel like you can. But you have to come out if you start to have a panic attack. Ok?" I nodded, that was fair. "Does your lieutenant know about this?" I nodded again. "I'll let him know what we decided, I'm sure he'll be fine with it. Do you guys need anything else?"

"I'm good chief, thank you." When I stood up to leave I felt 20 pounds lighter.


	10. Chapter 10

The second Vargas and Severide left the Chief's office the alarm sounded; "_Apartment Fire at 1253 1__st__ Street Engine 51, Truck 81, Squad 3, Ambulance 61"_ Severide looked at Vargas trying to gage his reaction. Vargas didn't see the look because he was already halfway to the truck.

At the sound of the alarm Casey instantly went to find Mills. Once he found him Casey started rattling off instructions "Stay Calm. Walk quickly with a purpose when we get there don't run. Listen to anyone, not just me." He finished, Mills looked like he was trying to look confident but he wasn't doing very well "It will all be ok, just don't forget to breathe." Casey smiled.

Chief Boden wanted to get to Casey before he got suited up. He checked the kitchen, and truck first and the Lieutenant was nowhere. At least until Chief ran into him, literally. "Casey, good, Vargas talked to me and I told him that he is allowed to get out if he starts feeling bad. Good?" Casey nodded, he had that determined look in his eyes that Boden liked to see.

Casey hopped in his truck quickly, ready to go. He looked in the rear view mirror and made eye contact with Vargas and nodded trying to silently tell him that everything was good, he seemed to understand. Then he heard Hermann's voice "Mills relax." He sounded patient but firm, Casey hoped the patient part of his tone reached Mills.

"Mills you are going to be Hermann's buddy for this call. You are going to vent the building first then wait for further instructions. Ok?" Mills nodded in response, Casey hoped a little bit of knowledge as to what was going to happen would calm him down. Chief radioed him as soon as he finished talking to Mills.

_"Please remind your men not to go in before a vent has been established also tell them it's all going to be ok."_

"Chief wants me to make sure no one enters until the building is vented, and tell you that everybody and everything is going to be ok." Casey saw his men nodding but no one spoke.

After Severide relayed the Chief's instructions the truck was quiet allowing him to slip into his own thoughts. He hoped Vargas was ok, he also hoped that if Vargas wasn't ok he would get out of there as soon as he could. His mind kept trying to slip back to Andy but he wouldn't let it, apartment fires were challenging and he needed to be focused.

Chief Boden drove behind the two trucks and in front of the ambulance. His mind kept going to Vargas. For some reason he wasn't sure the man would come out if he started feeling bad, but Chief knew both Lieutenants were on his side and cared for Vargas. He hoped the guys on truck were being nice to the new candidate, they seemed to be in the kitchen but who knows what could happen on call. He continuously found the need to remind himself that he trusted his two Lieutenants.

The second Cruz stopped the truck Casey ordered Hermann and Mills to go vent the building. The apartment looked incredibly run down, windows were boarded up, and paint was chipping. Casey approached the Chief who was talking to a little girl. She was very emotional and it broke Casey's heart. He heard Chief trying to guide her to Dawson and Shay, he was eventually successful in guiding her. Chief then switched his focus to Casey; "I got nothing, go in there and search everywhere, at least until we find someone who knows what's going on people wise in there."

Both men's radios crackled to life with Hermann's voice; _"We have a vent."_

When Severide heard those four words he signaled his men to storm the building, he had already given instructions as to what to do as to not waste time. He would be teamed with Casey, Capp, and Cruz and they were one of two search and rescue teams. He didn't like that he wasn't with Vargas but it was ok.

Jose Vargas was scared. He really didn't like being separated from people. At least he was with more people than he was with last call. He was on one of the search and rescue teams; he was with Hadley, Hermann, Mills, and Mouch. Vargas was proud of himself that he hadn't noticed his breath hitch yet, as long as it didn't he could stay in the building.

Mills was the first to hear the trapped woman. He quickly shouted to everyone else as he broke down the door with his shoulder. When he saw her in bad shape he was slightly taken aback, but he quickly realized he had to help her. Once he reached her she uttered two words before she lost consciousness; "My daughter…"

Mills quickly alerted everyone else about what was occurring "She said she has a daughter. My guess is she's in here somewhere."

Hermann was the first to speak; "Ok we got it. Take her down to Dawson and Shay, they have triage set up, and then come back to us." Hermann patted Mills on the back as the younger man lifted the unconscious women. Mills then heard Hermann alerting Dawson and Shay that the woman was coming.

Soon after the candidate discovered the woman Vargas felt the familiar breath hitch signaling a panic attack. He really wished he was with one of the Lieutenants. He soon felt the familiar cloud blocking his reality. He didn't want to leave; he didn't want to let the attacks define him. But soon he put together that if he didn't lives could quickly become at risk. He wasn't sure who to tell that he was leaving; he didn't really want to tell anyone. Then he realized what he was unconsciously pretending to look for, a girl. He figured if he could get her out he could just not come back.

Chief Boden was anxious about how this call was going to go. His men just seemed on edge, he couldn't quite but his finger on it. He figured it might have something to do with the new candidate. The owner of the complex had shown up and there were 30 apartments, triggering Boden to have triage set up. Hermann's voice broke in to his thoughts telling him one group had found someone, he smiled; triage had already been set up. Whoever had been found would be in good hands.

Lieutenant Casey had just broken down another flaming door. His group had found 5 people and was working on the second floor. He let himself smile when he saw a girl in the room he had just opened. He approached her and gave a quick introduction: "Hi. My name is Matt. I'm with the Fire Department. What's your name?" He knelt down next to her. The fire wasn't right on them so he wanted to make sure she was semi-comfortable.

"Sarah." She coughed out. Casey figured the smoke had gotten to her, he could only hope it wasn't that bad.

"Here I'm going to put this mask around your face. It should make it easier to breathe." He eased the mask around her face and picked her up. He put himself in a brisk walk, not wanting to move her around more than necessary. Casey looked over his shoulder to see Sarah crying out of fear it looked like. "You'll be ok I promise, we are almost out and then I'll stay with you the whole time. I promise." He knew there couldn't be many people left so he knew no one would care if he stayed with her.

Chief Boden was stressed. Everything was going well and he was continuously reminding himself of that. There was a lot going on through and he felt like he needed to be everywhere at once. The two rescue groups had spread out enough where they had just started a system that if the main door was open someone had checked it and everyone was checking on their own unless they needed backup. Dawson and Shay seemed to be handling triage ok, they had lots of backup.

Vargas had pushed through and rescued a few more people. He knew he shouldn't of. He hadn't been able to breathe or think normally in a while. Once he found the next person he would use it at an excuse to get out and stay out. He wanted to break down so bad, but he knew he couldn't, at least not yet.

Casey had finally reached the exit to the building with Sarah. He quickly took her over to where triage had been set up. He was able to find Shay and flagged the paramedic down. He then introduced Sarah to her; "Sarah this is my friend Leslie, she can take care of you." He then told Shay what was going on; "She was coughing when I first found her, she seems to be doing better. She is petrified; I promised I'd stay with her." Shay nodded and took Sarah out of Casey's arms. Sarah seemed ok with the transfer which made Casey smile.


	11. Chapter 11

**Hello! I just wanted to say thank you to the people that have reviewed. At this point I have no idea when or how I want to end this so suggestions are welcome.**

**This is still at the scene.**

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Chief was surprised and a little frightened to see Vargas just milling around. He hesitantly walked over to the man, not wanting to scare him. As he got closer to Vargas Boden could hear the man's ragged breathing. Boden hesitantly touched Vargas' shoulder to get his attention. Despite his efforts Vargas still jumped as he turned to see who was touching him. "Jose what's wrong?" Boden tried to sound compassionate yet serious at the same time.

"Everything." Boden's heart broke at the shakiness in the normally stoic voice.

"Can I take your heart rate?" He wasn't sure whether or not Vargas needed to see Dawson or Shay. Vargas nodded his head in response to Chief's question so he grabbed the man's wrist and started counting while he looked at his watch. Vargas' heart rate was way too high. Chief lightly grabbed Vargas' shoulder and looked down to meet Vargas' frightened eyes. "I'm thinking Dawson or Shay could help you more than I could right now." Chief spoke quietly but firmly. "What do you think about me taking you over there so they can take care of you? I will let them know what's going on and I promise they won't tell anyone. I'll tell the rest of the guys I just sent you over to be cautious."

"That sounds good." Vargas tried to make his voice sound firm but it didn't work well.  


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Casey had Sarah on his lap sitting on the back of the ambulance. He was pleased when Shay had said the damage didn't seem that bad. The only reason Casey was still with her was because Sarah hadn't recognized anyone as either of her parents yet. Sarah had been babbling for a while "…at school my teacher's name is Mr. Morlan and my best friend's name is Stacy…" Casey just loved kids, he loved how they could babble on and on with little to no prompting. He loved how much trust they had how unconditionally they would love. When he looked up from Sarah Casey was surprised to see Chief passing a nervous looking Vargas to Dawson.

"Sarah I'll be right back ok?" As he stood up he put her back on the ambulance and went over to Vargas and Dawson. "What's up guys?" As he reached the two he put a hand on Vargas' upper arm.

"I'm not doing so great Lieutenant." Vargas spoke quietly.

"A panic attack?" He wanted to confirm. Vargas gave a small nod.

"I'm just going to have him take a seat in the back of the ambo and took him up so we can keep an eye on his vitals." It was then Casey felt a tug on his uniform and turned to see Sarah.

"I found my parents. I'm going to go see them. Thank you Mr. Casey." She smiled and ran away to two waiting adults. Casey was now able to turn his full attention to Dawson and Vargas.

"Vargas I'm going to use this to keep an eye on your vitals, Casey is going to stay and talk with you and monitor things. Ok?" Vargas nodded in response as he sat down and held his arm out while Dawson hooked him up to the various machines. She then quietly instructed Casey; "Just talk quietly and be nice and calm." She patted him on the back as she went to figure out what was going on with the rest of the people, who seemed to have begun to clear out.

"How ya feeling?" Casey knew it was a dumb question but he needed to start the conversation somewhere.

"Horrendous." Vargas was not making it easy to get a conversation going.

"Care to elaborate?"

"I just feel like I'm stuck in this cloud. My chest hurts, I feel like I'm going to pass out, I can't breathe." Casey saw Vargas' heart rate rise.

"That sounds pretty horrendous. Do you know what triggered it?"

"I'm pretty sure I just can't shake the feeling that not everyone is going to make it out." Vargas' heart rate had steadied but was still high.

"Would it make you feel better if I radioed Chief and asked how things were going, it looks like things are wrapping up out there?"

"It's worth a shot."

I radioed in to the Chief; "How're things going out there?"

He responded quickly _"Going good. Everyone is safe, your guys are out. They are just helping with triage and clean up." _Casey felt relieved when he saw Vargas' heart rate dip slightly.

"That makes me feel better."

"Looks like it- your heart rate dipped. That's a good thing." Casey smiled.

The two sat and talked for a few minutes as Casey continued to be pleased looking at Vargas' vitals that were slowly going down. Dawson came to check on things. "How's everyone doing?" When she came in she closed to ambulance doors, surprising Casey.

"Pretty good. His vitals are stabilizing and he seems to be feeling better. Are you?" He asked Vargas who was still attached to the machines.

"Not back to normal yet but the worst of it is over." He confirmed.

"Well you're looking good. Everyone's getting ready to leave; you are welcome to stay in the ambulance for the ride home if you want to. But the guys will ask why of course, everyone is asking about you already. I haven't said anything and if you decide not to tell them I won't say anything, neither will Shay, but we are both always on your side."

"I think I want to just ride back in the truck." Vargas nodded and went to stand up as Casey followed.

Just like Casey expected he and Vargas were mobbed as they reached the truck. A chorus of concern and confusion came from the member of Truck 81 immediately. "He's fine, he's fine, he just wasn't feeling well so they had to check it out, but he's fine." Casey tried to keep his men away from Vargas so they didn't overcrowd him.

"You sure you're ok Vargas?" Hermann asked, still concerned about his friend.

"Yes, I feel a lot better." Vargas answered with a smile. "Let's load up." He opened the door then climbed up to his usual seat and everyone followed besides Hermann who stayed behind to talk to his lieutenant.

"Just keep an eye on him." Casey told him before he could say anything.


End file.
